Camilla
McCulloch

2019 was a year filled with many challenges for me. I am an illegal immigrant, not by choice, that has pushed forward in the face of uncertainty. I was born in Corozal, Belize on December 19, 2001, to Gerald and Emelda McCulloch. In 2019 when I graduated from West Mesquite Highschool, I wasn’t sure what my next step would be. I thought that my career and my time was over, and it was time to go back to Belize. After much advice and conversation from the supportive people around me and those who did not believe I would be graduating from Southwestern Adventist University, we made a decision that would change the course of my life. Many sacrifices were made from my family in order to see me succeed. Financial, living, and Relational factors all played a role in this next big step in my life. After applying to SWAU in fear of uncertainty because of my legal status, I was welcomed into the SWAU community. It all felt like a blur and surreal that I was able to get into a Christian University which had always been one of our top priorities. 

During my freshman year, I was a little fish. I didn’t know what I was getting into, and I didn’t know what I wanted with my future. I had a path that my mom picked for me because she wanted the best for me, and I agreed to go down that path. If I had not been brave and went up to some girls in the gym and asked to sit with them, I would have never made friends. Although my freshman friend group has been thinning out throughout the years, I can say that I and one of my other close friends are standing strong and finally getting to graduate. Freshman year taught me a lot, during this year I still didn’t see the importance of doing homework and trying my best. I had horrible academic efficacy.  

Sophomore year was a very unexpected year for many students. This was the year that the pandemic Covid-19 hit worldwide and schools and the whole world had to shut down. It was a very unnatural transition from in person classes to suddenly everyone learning through zoom. This year was especially challenging. I started to pull away and isolate from my friend groups, I barely kept in contact with them. I only went to my labs and ran back home as soon as possible. There was just utter chaos and disorganization.  

My junior year, I still didn’t want to risk going back to school. I had gotten used to  the online classes; however, this year was when SWAU introduced a Hybrid education. I liked the idea that I could still go to university online but not have to leave my house. The second semester of my junior year, I transitioned back into in person. It was still a very unnatural adjustment since students were still required to wear masks. It was very odd, and the masks had a toll on many individuals’ self- esteem, including me. I was still very disconnected from my friend group, and many had started graduating and moving on to Grad level education. Before transitioning into the nursing program, I was part of the EMT course. A very well-established course at Southwestern Adventist University that is a very great opportunity for students’ success. It was great for having a plan B. One regret I have from this course is not fully seeing it through to the licensure testing despite my outstanding grades. My academic efficacy was still lacking, and it was time to transition into my nursing program Being in the nursing program altered my very being. I started off my nursing career very excited and scared of the uncertain. It was a lot more complicated than I thought it would be. I started off very weak and by the time I started trying to be an academic weapon, it was too late. I ended up failing and dropping out of the program with an academic warning on my transcript. 

 At this point in my life, I felt like giving up, I was depressed, I felt like a failure, but most of all I felt like a disappointment to my parents, to my family, to those that encouraged me and hoped for my success. I wanted to run away so I started considering Costa Rica. This was still my parent’s idea, I did not want to go through with it because my rational was that If I failed at Southwestern Adventist University and I didn’t give it my all, what would be any different if I went there. I was scared but I had to make a decision, so I requested a transcript, talked to many people, got information about the nursing program at UNADECA, and prayed to God. I knew that if I left, I would be alone, I wouldn’t have my parents and I wouldn’t be able to come back to the U.S due to the fact that I would be barred from coming back to the US. This was a tough decision and I felt overwhelmed and pressured. I wanted to hide in a cocoon and never come out. I started having cognitive distortions and when I thought about death I would think “if it happens, it happens”. I wanted to give up, I wanted to run away, I just wanted it all to end. My family has always been supportive of me, especially my brother Anthony, he has always been my number one supporter, everything they do is for my benefit, so this failure took a toll on my mental health. I was able to seek help by getting in contact with a therapist thanks to my brother Anthony and his wife Karla. They made the connections, and I started therapy. It wasn’t a very short term because after the first session I was in go mode. I just needed a push, and I needed a break from everyone pressuring me asking me on what I was going to do. It was easier to hear someone from an outside perspective telling me that I must be assertive in my decisions and what I wanted to do. I talked to career counselors and other family members and later that week with the help of my mom, who has also been my number one supporter, she gave me a last final push and left it all up to me. 

With the information that my mom gave me of the different career choices at SWAU, it was my responsibility to make a decision of a program that I liked and that would align with my nursing credits.  One morning, I got up and I told my dad that we had to go to the university and find out more about the Psychology program. At this point I had already made up my mind that this was the route I wanted, however, registration was already late. I talked to Mrs. Connie whom throughout all my years at SWAU has been of very great help in my academic journey. She helped me through the registration process, and it all happened very quicky. By the end of the day, I was ready to start attending my first Psychology class the next day. This change happened in January 2021 during my second semester of Junior year. 

Psychology provided healing for my battered soul, and I slowly regained confidence. I was passing my classes and getting good grades. The change at first was very awkward but after a while I started enjoying my courses a lot more. I felt supported and that everything that I was experiencing was validated. I started learning and discovering things about myself and I learned that there are so many factors that go into being the person I am. I started putting myself out there more and slowly pushing myself to experience new things. My thinking perspective changed, and I reconnected with my close friend from freshman year. Before this transition I felt very alone, and I am glad I made this decision. I had always been the type of person that hated opening up or inconveniencing other individuals with my feelings and my troubles. Despite this challenge, I can now say that I have learned to open up more about what I am feeling.  I don’t regret being in the nursing program, I regret not giving it my all and not being fully committed. I learned to be more academically efficient, and I have definitely seen growth from my freshman years.  

Fast forward to December 14, 2023, I can proudly say that I will be a first gen graduating with a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology. My path may have not been perfect, but I am grateful to Emelda ,my mom, and to Gerald, my dad, and to my family, my counselors, my friends and to God for helping me make a choice that I will not regret. Despite still having fear of the uncertain, I plan to continue my education at a graduate level in pursue of a licensure in Social Work while slowly working up to my PhD in Clinical Counseling. These four years have provided me with experience, emotional, and spiritual growth. I can definitely take everything I have learned at Southwestern Adventist University onto the next chapter of my life while still exploring and learning to be my true authentic self.